I can hear you singing to me in my sleep...

I've come to the conlusion that I don't really don't know how to be single.

I've been single for about 3months now, and in that entire time I have basically been searching for someone else. Several times, I thought I'd found someone that can fill that void but they've only filled part of it. I miss having someone there and that's the problem. I can't get used to having nobody there. Granted, the freedom being single grants me is very useful and I'm enjoying it very much - I can work as much as I want and spend my evenings doing as I please. Always good.

But there's still that missing part of me. I spent 3 months single when working nights, but that was fine....not sure why but it was. Now, however, I don't like being single. I want someone there.

This bit is linked to a revelation I had a while ago whilst shooting some pool. I've had my fun in life (it's been great) but I'm looking for something different now. I'm at the age in my life where I think I should be settling down into something more than what I've had previously. I'm looking for something more settled, more absolute.

All my friends are either in settled relationships and getting houses together, engaged or, as has been happening of late, married. I want something like that. I want something real.

It's not too late, we have the rest of our lives...

So, it's been a few weeks since I decided I had anything to share with....well, seeing as I'm the only one who reads this, myself, and I've had a bit of reflection time.

I've severely cut down on the drinking is one good thing. My dad was here for 5days this week, so there was a fair bit of booze consumed in that week, but it was all beer and cider so it's not that bad.

However, the main thing I've come to the realisation of is that I need to kick myself into gear. I have an exam on monday and then, when that's out of the way, I need to a)focus on the thesis and b)get into my change of habits. I've joined the gym but physically haven't had time to actually go yet so that's the first thing on the list. Second is to find a way, when I finish uni, to get into the language learning aspect of my plan. I already know I need to get back into learning German, but I also want to be able to speak Russian. Not only will being able to speak these languages improve any chance I have of getting a job, but it'll make me feel better about myself. Self-improvement is something I'm striving for.

I'm 25 next week and I've done very little that I feel I can truly be proud of. Yes, I'm studying for a masters, but that's just a piece of paper at the end of the day. The ultimate aim is to have a decent physique, be able to speak at LEAST 1 other language, have an MSc and be trained in some form of dancing. I know it's a bit late to learn properly, but this all stems into needing to become a more cultured man. More worldly wouldn't go amiss either. Although, both those come with getting a job and being able to travel. Good job means the chance to go to the theatre and enjoy some finer things in life, being worldly is an excuse to travel. I'm very much ok with both of those. Being able to speak Russian and travelling around the former Soviet Union is the ultimate goal.

That and actually going to the list of places I've never been to.

In time....

You say there's talk of revolution...

Now I think about it, I had a bit of a revolution on the sunday after that disaster.

Sat at work in my office, I came to the conclusion I need to change my life. I need to sort myself out and do something.

First on the list is cutting down on the booze intake. Regardless of how much booze I have left (lots of cider, few beers and a bit of SoCo), I'm gonna stop drinking so much. I'm also pretty sure that'll help in terms of actually losing some weight as well. Drinking most of the bottle of SoCo probably didn't help the matter, but there's nothing I can do about that now. I need to take the Hamza approach and stop 'poisoning' my body. Not sure how well that'll work, but cutting out as much booze as possible should be a good start so I'm going with it.

I am aware now how everything's going to be fine...

This may be a couple of days late, but still, at least I'm finally writing it.

Well that was an interesting experience to say the least.

Saturday night was the first 'real' date (in my book, anyway) with a lovely girl that I actually kind of liked. She was a really nice person, I could chat crap with her, and there were very few awkward moments (rather common as I'm a man of few words). Always a good thing.

However, after sitting and chatting for 3 hours in a restaurant, I present her with the rose I had planned to give her when I first got there but forgot about. I the proceeded to use the 'Schrodinger's Cat' line, which wasn't so bad, but that's when it all went sooooo far downhill it's unreal. I went in to kiss her, she turned her head and I missed/failed. It wouldn't of been so bad if I'd had just left it there but trying it for the second time may have been the final nail in that coffin and I haven't heard from her since, so I think that may be dead in the water right there.

I kinda like this girl, she's really cool, she's also incredibly hot and I'd love to talk to her again. However, the journey home was the single worst moment I can think of right now. I was shaking, I could barely swallow, and all I could think about, and still can only think about (48 hours after it happened) is that 20second section of time. My world was turned into a freaking spin-dryer because I managed to mis-read her.

Considering everything that we've said over the past few days leading up to that date, I was almost certain of what I was thinking, and I don't think I'd be alone in thinking that or coming to that conclusion. However, what I managed to do was not only screw up a potential....well, something, with this girl, I managed to make every shred of my self-confidence (which has been building since I became single...slowly, but building) disappear into the night and it hasn't been seen since. I think the 2/3 of a bottle of SoCo helped to numb me from feeling most of that though, although it's kicking me in the teeth now I'm not drunk.

So, my current mood is depressed, my outlook on life is in the toilet, and I have far too much to do to be able to wallow in self-pity.

I'm still hoping I'll hear from her again, she was cool. Plus....well, I'm a slave to my subconscious and can't be single for very long. And she seemed exactly what I was/am looking for in a partner. Mature (i.e. my age), funny, witty, hot. And now to try and get back on the horse....and not fuck it up again.

Bollocks.

Man in a tower is thinking about the future

This is one of those times when I'm at a bit of a loss for what to think.
I'm finally beginning to enjoy the single life, I'm kind of getting back out there, I'm meeting new people, life is kind of looking good.

I had a date this afternoon and I have a very bad feeling I may have made some rookie errors...the kind of thing I KNOW not to do, and yet I did anyway. I'm a twat.
However, things aren't looking that bad. She's text me, she seems to like me (to some extent at least) and I like her. She's really cool, she looks like Laura (not a bad thing) and she's agreed to a proper date so looks like I can't lose right now really.

And so, after spending some time questioning what I'd said/done, it now comes to light that all is good and I MAY (just may) have secured a third date, although I'm going with just the second for now. We'll see what happens with the third one. I may get some good luck come my way. Good times.

'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess...

There have been very few times in my life when I have been at a loss for thought, or simply something to keep my thoughts on track (the two are remarkably interlinked). However, today seems to be one of those times and days. Today, I have done almost nothing besides get up, eat breakfast and watch tv. After that, I walked to the station. I think it may have been this simple act in itself that is causing this feeling of thoughtlessness.

Monday is a day when I have to travel to uni (nothing out of the ordinary there), however this is the first Monday since this semester started when I’m not having to travel across town to hers. Granted, I didn’t always do that anyway, but that was by choice. Today the option simply isn’t there. And I believe that is what is causing this feeling. Emptiness.

I’ve been waiting for this time for a while now and up until now I’ve been relishing it. I wanted this to happen, it has and I’m happier for it. However, now is when the difficult bit sets in and hits home. I feel at a loss (of sorts) with what to do with myself. I don’t like this feeling. My phone very rarely goes off (though when it does, it’s a mystery who it is and I like that bit), I have all my time back to myself, I can work whenever I want……and yet, something doesn’t feel like it should.

I think nostalgia is just setting in, a lack of rational thought is allowing these thoughts to circle, emphasised by the little reminders of everything, things that I wouldn’t normally notice as they’re part of my everyday life. Things I don’t want to notice. Things that I can hopefully block out.

I just hope I can keep this at bay. It’s been a while since I experienced this, it’s all a bit new, I just hope it doesn’t follow its usual path.

The party's not over yet....

I have come to a point in my life where I have reached a decision - I need to join the real world.

Don't get me wrong, I love my masters, I love what I'm doing and I love where it can and, hopefully, will lead me. I love psychology, I love reading about it, I love studying it, I especially love explaining it to someone. Explaining a fairly complex theory of human behaviour in a way that someone with no knowledge of psychology can understand gives me such a thrill. In that sense, teaching would probably be a good way to go.
However, I'm not so sure. I was set on that idea for many years but it kind of lost thought with me, I realised it wasn't necessarily something I wanted to be doing. There are so many things I want to do to myself before I could go into teaching.
I'd have to change my physical appearance for a start: take more care in terms of personal grooming - shave more often, moisturise, actually adopt some kind of hairstyle; change my dress sense - adopt a more mature look, something that gives the casual yet sophisticated look, a look that I can wear a suit and yet still seem friendly, approachable and everyone's friend; my physical appearance - throw out most of my laziness, join a gym, play sport, change my eating habits, maintain all of those things.
I realised a while ago that I want to travel. A friend of mine, Nemo, is.....actually I have no idea what he does, but he seems to spend half of his life on the road, around the country and the world. And it's that kind of life that I want. Not necessarily around the country, but definitely around the world. or at least Europe. I'm 24 years old, I've been to Germany and Switzerland more times than I can actually count, I've been to places most people have never even heard of, let alone visited. Yet I've never been to France. Or Austria. Or The Netherlands. I want to see these places, If I could get paid to go these places, that would be freaking epic. Even if it's just for a couple of days, I'd freaking love it.

So I've set myself a few goals that I want to achieve over the next few years, and I don't necessarily want to do them in a particular order, but I do want to do them. So, here goes:

• get a toned and refined physique (like Steve McGarrett from Hawaii Five-O, that's the model I'm going for.
• complete my MSc.
• get published (a journal, the book comes later when my life settles down slightly).
• take much better care of myself.
• play and review every video game I own, across ALL consoles.
• watch EVERY dvd I own.
• read EVERY book I own, especially the classics and the academic literature (particularly that relating to gender, class, anxiety or clothing).
• travel around the world (whether it's through a job or a backpack)
• complete my fishing bucket list.
• re-kindle old friendships (I have many friends that I've lost a lot of contact with and I need to change this, esp with those that are no longer in the UK).
• learn to speak a foreign language fluently – I can already speak a fair amount of German, but I’d love to be able to speak more. And French, and Russian. The 3 languages that’ll get me by just about anywhere
• learn to dance – it takes a lot of skill to dance properly, especially something like the Tango or the Waltz. Something classical would be fantastic, I’ve mentioned this before somewhere…..but still, it’s something I’d love to be able to do.

As stated, these are in no particular order but I will complete them. I'm gonna make sure of it.